A Haunting Muse
by Vana E
Summary: What would happen if someone was determined not to leave? Determined to set things right. Just look at the title. (AU, emotional angst and spoilers to TTT. AU because certain things are different) REVEIW!!


I wrote this on an especially moody night within an hour. I have sometimes wondered how somebody's past can come and catch you up, directing a course of action that can later be regrettable. I didn't even know what I was writing when I first started this…I didn't even have a character in mind until halfway through when I looked back and realized I could turn this any way I wanted. It's a little freaky knowing your mind can unconsciously make you write such things, I wasn't even thinking about LOTR when I wrote this. WHAT IS GOING ON!!! I decided halfway through to make it into a story I can post here, so I made the character real and kept it going…I suppose I should continue, but is this solitary chapter enough? Does anyone want more?

**Summery: Seeing something at Parth Galen from an unseen point of view. Guess who and I'll give you a cyber chocolate. **

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I didn't want this to happen, in all righteousness it shouldn't and I feel I must pinch myself to find if it is true. My friends, they all trust me, they all believed I was well and truly able for this, but I can't leave like this, not like this. 

Can it be possible that everything I've been telling them, everything I've shown them has all been a lie, a farce of what was really there? They can never see below the surface, and I just can't show them and now it is too late, I will never be able to show them. The true me is not what it seems, I am not childish, though I harbour my inner child; I am not always giggly and wishing for fun and laughter. Sometimes I just wish for someone to pick a fight and let me feel pain, anger and hurt, none of which I have felt for so long. I've closed myself off to the extent that I am numb and in solitude with myself. Ever heard of willing schizophrenia? It means I have brought it on myself, that I actually talk to the different sides of my personality and seemingly make imaginary friends into flesh and blood. The real thing doesn't seem to work for me, though of course they all accept me and "love" me for that high energy and no-rest situations I like to get into. 

Can I say I have itchy feet? That to stay still is like torture to me? I must see the world, I must tell others of my findings and maybe, if I'm lucky, disappear and no one will notice. I search for my niche, for the one place I can feel comfortable and at home in but I have always searched, I have never found it.

I suppose I could blame this on my past, a dreary one at that but not without it's bright spots, and dark ones. The dark ones I was basically ignorant of for so long, but then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had been living in hell. But when I looked at others who had fared much worse, I couldn't help but think I was being selfish and cruel to them, so I didn't complain, I couldn't complain. Damn stupid stuck up pride, look where you got me now.  

I guess I deserved this, I guess when that person struck that nerve so I could feel again they unleashed a type of euphoria that I craved, that I couldn't get enough of. If I had just dropped my guards years ago, this all could have been avoided and I wouldn't be feeling this…this feeling running over me like gratings against my nerves and every fibre of my being.

Now that it has been unleashed I feel guilt, oh I haven't felt that in it's true form for so long though I know it is the one thing that stopped me from taking action long ago. Can my friends still love me after this? Can they really accept me again and realize that I truly wanted to do well? That this was all a big mistake? 

I still don't believe it has happened, that I have lost my chance to say sorry to him though I screamed it out after the euphoria had past. My mind has been working against me, the entities I turned into my friends actually became real and I spoke to them many a time, conversing with them and partially turning my true friends aside. I sought the things I could never find, and I knew they would never be found but they were always on the edge of my mind teasing me, pulling at me until I tried looking for them again, even though I knew it was hopeless. 

I wonder what he thinks of me now? I lost my innocent appearance today, I lost it all and again, I still feel I need to pinch myself to assure me that it is all real. It will end and I never told them about me, the real me, the rather dark and twisted me.

As I seep out of my musings I am coming to realize one thing, that it is true, that that one person standing over there, staring at me as though I am an apparition that cannot be real, is staring at a dying man.

I am dying? It cannot be! I will not accept it! I want to be with them again, to see, to smell the air in it's freshness and glory. To sigh and taste the sweet things again, to live. I want to live, I want to live!

My friends, one comes down next to me, he kneels and he whispers into my ear of things that were and now cannot be turned back. I can feel those tears that have been on the edge of my vision for so long, well up and cascade down my face as I try to say I'm sorry for the wrongs I've done, I'm sorry for basically everything from here on as I know I am the direct cause of it. He smiles and tries to take them out…oh dear sweet life! He cannot take them out, it is too late and I still his hand, his own tears falling on my face to mingle with my own as I tell him so. That it is too late, they must stay and I want to go peacefully without more pain than I am already in. 

Pain? I feel pain, but it isn't as bad as before. Oh I wish I could turn it all back and help them in the right way. I wish those thoughts hadn't become reality and taken me over, like a puppet on the end of strings. He tells me that it is not my fault and I shake my head, peering over at the one who is still staring from a distance, frozen and icy. He is only icy as he has not the luxury to show his feelings, like I have been doing my entire life. Sure I can get frustrated, sure I can get angry but they are only on the surface. The real things have been hidden and now the fact that they are coming forth as I am becoming too weak to hold them back is making another pain begin, this even more intense than the 3 shafts of wood piercing my body and killing me slowly. It is draining me and the darkness gathers, I am still not in peace and I doubt I ever will be.

My friend by my side, I grab his long dark hair at the base of his neck and tell him I'm sorry again, that I am the cause for the little one's departure and torment. He didn't touch that nerve on purpose, my anger at being denied peace clouded my reasoning and I lost my restraints, lunging at him and breaking the trust he had in me. How can I rest after that?

Now the light one on the side, he is still staring. Will he just stop it; it is already breaking my heart that I shall never see him again. The curses of mortality are greater than just death, if you have a friend who simply happens to avoid that curse; you know that you shall never meet again, even in the afterlife. 

Oh please…I don't want to die, I don't want to. I never wished for this oh my life…I cannot be dying. This is too much and I can feel the panic, I can feel that stab of fear as I realize that it is not the sun going down, it is death itself covering me with its darkening cloud. I see my darker friend grasp my hand, and the fear comes even greater. I cannot feel that hand, my whole body has just become numb and I struggle violently, coughing and twisting my head from side to side. I cannot allow this, the darkness must not take me and I must make it all right, I need it…please…no…

It has come, I feel like screaming in fear and torment at the fact I am being wrenched away from life itself. My dark friend's face is moving away, down a dark tunnel and I cannot help but scream his name; Aragorn. Oh, if only he heard me, if only he could have heard my sorrow at leaving them all…but I can't leave, I mustn't leave.

I'm staying.

I fight my way back, but I know it is useless when I feel the coldness of my body, actually feeling it seep through my soul and the sharp stab of reality hits me. I am dead.

No, it cannot be…no.

The darkness recedes and I am with them again, I suppose this is the moment I am meant to take to say a silent farewell. I see Aragorn lean over and place a death kiss on my forehead; I see it from my place next to the immortal one. I suppose this is the time I take to say goodbye? Never! I promised to stay with them till the end, I wished to be able to take back the wrongs I did and I would see that through, even if I can merely watch.

The immortal one, Legolas, he is fidgeting, I know he knows something is around him and even through his calm expression, slightly marred with grief of my death, I can see something else. Fear.

He fears me? This realization brings me up short. 

Have I been selfish enough to think my continuing presence would help this? Yes, I was selfish. I am the most selfish person I know but this doesn't stop me from reaching out my hand and touching him lightly on the shoulder. If I've never seen an elf jump out of his skin, I am sure this would be the closest I will ever come to it. He spins around and has his knife ready, peering with wide eyes to pinpoint where that unearthly chill that was my hand, came from. I do not care, I promised to stay and I will. If it means scaring the life out of someone, so be it but I will never leave them…ever.

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A/N: Should I continue? Or should I just leave you up to your imaginations. If I continue it will be the POV of basically every other member of the Fellowship of the same event, if you can guess what the event is. Should I? Shouldn't I? Please, this was my curb to writer's block.


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